Three years ago, a group of world-acclaimed FSG sociologists took to the typewriters in order to fix the world’s problems. Originally, this came in the form of a handy nickname guide. This expanded to create the second (and – let’s face it – better) edition of The Bible. Eventually, this culmination of social genius, observational knowledge and light-hearted wit (and, of course, the numerous late nights spent researching the drinking habits of Britain’s 21st century teenagers) led these brilliant minds to write the first chapter of international bestseller How to Be a Man without a Penis. Unfortunately, a year later, the revolutionary authors of HTBAMWAP split due to musical differences – thus, the book was never completed.
But never fear – Sophie the Great is here. I have joined forces with some of the core brains behind the bestseller, along with some fresh minds in the field of anthropology and zoology in order to write the much anticipated sequel to How to Be a Man without a Penis: Chapter One. That’s right, ladies and gentlemen – we have written How to Be a Man without a Penis: Chapter Two.
Being global experts on partying and underage binge drinking, we are often consulted by international organisations on these issues (indeed, we were contacted during the winter holidays by the CBI with the request that we organise their office Christmas party) – so it is merely commonsensical that Chapter Two of this little delight consists of party top tips.
1. When indulging the pastime of DIY body piercing, be sure to use frozen foodstuffs to numb the body part in question before using the needle.
2. Sterilise said needle used in #1 in some sort of disinfectant – vodka or cider, perhaps. (We recommend Lidl 7.5% cider; that stuff could cut through glass.)
3. Nowhere for you and your partner to have the sexy time at a house party? Never fear – there is bound to be a cake board somewhere in the kitchen. Alternatively, it is highly likely that there are tents available in the garden (although, to ensure that nobody interrupts during the love-making session, it is best to yell “LET’S HAVE SEX” at the top of your voice whilst zipping up the tent).
4. At all parties, it is likely that there will be at least one alcohol-induced casualty. Under these circumstances, ensure that the victim has plenty of bread and water at hand. It is also strongly advised that you place them by a loo, sink or inflatable sofa. Once they have been placed in a secure, wipeable location (preferably in the recovery position), feel free to use them as the foundations on which you and your friends play Buckaroo (or, as it is more commonly referred to in the wake of the Great Tequila Explosion, Benkaroo).
5. It must be made abundantly clear to all party guests that biting slippers and/or body parts will not be tolerated.
6. On the off-chance that you are attending a party near a farm, it is only polite to feed the farm animals. If you are unsure as to what to give them, we have a few helpful suggestions. For instance, horses love turnips, potatoes and onions – and fortunately for you, the Sophie O’Connor Liver Deterioration Foundation has been producing a hybrid of these three vegetables since 3rd May 2008.
7. Stuck for party conversation? The vegetable hybrid mentioned in #6 has been provoking the inquisitive minds of party-goers ever since its inception – so if you wish for a great party debate, bring one of these bad boys along with you.
8. Never drink a green pint.
9. When singing along to Shania Twain’s Man, I Feel Like a Woman, be sure to have a paramedic and a towel nearby.
10. At a dinner party, it is inappropriate to talk about religion or politics. It is, however, acceptable to discuss and dissect the intricacies of Compton mechanics.
11. I urge you to invite some friends with driving licences to every party. Not only can they provide the Hangover Shuttle to McDonalds the following day, their cars are very useful for wiping mud off your buttocks in the event that you fall over in the car park.
12. Always buy a packet of condoms. You know you’ll regret it if you don’t.
13. #12 also applies to permanent markers.
14. If you are attending a themed party but you are unsure of what to wear, just wear a poncho and sombrero. Mexican attire is always suitable.
15. If you are attending a themed party but you are unsure of what to wear, it is not appropriate to wear a martial arts uniform in the hope that it will suffice. It will not suffice.
16. Not only are porn cards disgusting, they only depict women in the kitchen using various kitchen instruments (and, on occasion, vegetables). For this reason, they should be banned from every party.
17. Precautions must be put in place in the unlikely event that the Real IRA plant Parma Violets in any bottles. The number one recommendation made in a report conducted by the Home Office back in 2009 is to place your mouth over the bottle cap in order to avoid any spillage. In the past, it has proven to be hugely successful.
18. No matter how much you drink and how fast you think you are climbing that hill, you are not Spiderman.
19. No matter how much you drink and how often you pull open your sailor shirt, you are not Cheryl Cole.
20. No matter how much you drink and how much you wipe your make-up around your face (whilst whispering, “I regret this”), you are not a golliwog.
21. I do not advise you to wear costume make-up which is liable to peel off during the night. This can have a lasting effect on any drunks stumbling around the following next day when they believe that they have found somebody’s face on the floor.
22. It is UK law that any hammocks are French territory. Therefore, you must be French at all times whilst travelling on a hammock.
23. Animals are also fantastic company at a party. Rubber ducks, for instance.
24. When cooking crumpets, be sure to have an oven glove nearby.
25. When you fail to use the oven glove, be sure to have a pint of water nearby in which you can dunk your entire hand.
26. Always be wary of spilling wine – wine attracts ants.
27. Once the last drop of tequila has been drained from the bottle, seek shelter underneath the nearest table, chair or bearded folk – someone is bound to explode soon enough.
28. As well as any 1980s classics, it is compulsory to play all of the following at a party: piss-artist ballad Bohemian Rhapsody; the forever vodka-tastic Roxanne; the fist-pumpingly poignant Don’t Stop Believin’ by Journey; and the Spice Girl’s gut-wrenchingly painful Wannabe.
29. When throwing a NYE party, ensure that you are only using one watch with which you track the countdown. Without taking this precaution, it is highly likely that there will be multiple midnights at the party – which means multiple midnight kisses from pissed-up perverts.
30. A party is the only place where it is possible for a white girl to wear a turban without being accused of tactless racism.
31. Who needs a live band when you have plenty of skilled air guitarists already in the room?
32. The best place to go on the pull is by the microwave. And the best chat-up line? “You’re hot.”
33. It is common knowledge that most people who dress up as Barbie will end up looking like a transvestite. Whilst some may see this as off-putting, I encourage you to see it as something else: a challenge.
34. If a friend has passed out drunk, she is not dead.
35. As we learned from the Great Rum Crisis ’12, the best thing to do in this situation is not to panic.
36. Be sure to remove all sporting equipment – tennis rackets, sporting balls, swingball sets – from the vicinity before having a house party. There are many reported cases of adolescents beating their friends to death with swingball poles yelling, “I’m not tipsy – I’m fucking pissed!”
37. Stuck for party games? Why not try Ring of Fire, Battleshots or Strip Twister?
38. Palm trees are always appropriate.
39. Refrain from allowing Megan Hogben near any liquids for the duration of the evening. She will spill.
40. Unless it is NYE, you don’t need to bring a watch to a party because the time at a party is simple and easy to remember: shots o’clock.
41. If you can taste chicken, feelings of disorientation may ensue shortly afterwards.
42. Are you concerned that your breasts aren’t big enough to impress that cute guy you’ve got your eye on? Then why not shove oranges down your bra? They’ll give you the plumpness and colour which all British girls desire.
43. We advocate suits at all parties. As Professor Barney Stinson has taught us, “suits are cool – exhibit A”.
44. If you decide to adhere to rule #43 and wear a suit to a party, ensure that you have a dry cleaner/friend’s mother on speed-dial.
45. Provided that it is served in shot glasses, drinking milk at a party is acceptable.
But, dear party-goers, our best advice to you is priceless. It is eternal. And it can be summed up in three simple words: Always. Bounce. Back.
Yesterday, it was the final day for year elevens before they went on study leave, which could only mean one thing – muck-up day. Shaving foam fights, flour bombs and water pistols all featured heavily in my time at school yesterday (indeed, at one point I walked right through the firing line of a foam fight, causing me to be shot to the ground by the incriminating ammunition). We were discussing the paint-laden antics during my English lesson, and somebody made a very good point; this doesn’t happen in every school. In some schools, teachers are greeted with flowers and chocolates in an appreciative gesture on the final day rather than an egg to the face. In some schools, the members of the site staff continue about their daily business in their usual manner rather than quivering in fear whilst they remove the mountains of silly string from the school mini-bus. In some schools, the final day isn’t used as an excuse by students to be complete and utter little shits. But that’s not how it’s done at my school. Of course, the pupils in my year followed the tradition back in 2010 when we had our final day. We marched through the school gates, super soakers in hand and army paint on faces. This wasn’t just a muck-up day – this was a military intervention. And why do military interventions occur? One word: protest. (And, y’know, an excuse to dress up in boiler suits and silly-string the year nines out of existence.)
I am no stranger to the work of Stephen Fry. I have watched numerous documentaries, countless QI episodes and the entire Jeeves and Wooster series, as well as followed him on twitter, read his autobiographies and developed a general appreciation of all things Fry*. Despite having acquainted myself with a vast selection of his work, I have never even glimpsed at his fictional pieces. Well, until I picked up a copy of The Stars’ Tennis Balls.
